pain2

when I first fell in love, it was so scary. It was a different kind of love than I had ever experienced before...it was a type of love that I had been raised to believe that was wrong. so when it happened, it was very powerful and confusing. The love I feel towards this person is so strong..I mean I met them..and it seemed like ..i don't even know. I felt this bond..this conection..like they understood me and I understood them- that's how it turned out. At lesat I like to think that's how its happened.

Since day one- I have felt that connection, and it is ..unbelieveable that I have found a person that I can honestly say I know- and even if I find a flaw in them- I can't stop loving them as much as I do. I know them and love them even more for just being them. And its so scary yet ...incredibly uplifting.

To know that there is a feeling so strong as this in the world- gives me a type of impression that there are good ppl out in the world- and that good things are happening everywhere you look. This makes me feel so much more at peace with who I am today and with what we have to face up to in our lives. Wow..I mean..its just incredible. It's almost as miraculous as childbirth..but in a different way. ahh I'll write more later it's late and I'm fallin asleep. :-)

pain

Have you ever been in love? If you have, then you know how it feels. How it feels when you give them a hug and you feel as if though you're going to melt right in their arms. How if feels when you do something to make them laugh, how you feel when you think you could cry because you feel so much for them. Being in love, for me, has been my worst and best experience. I could never trade being in love, not for anything in the world, but at the same time, being rejected...that is all in a world of its own.
To love and to be loved are two of the most crucial aspects of a person's emotional well-being. For me, I'd choose loving someone else, because the feeling of happiness you get...is so rewarding. I fell in love with my best friend, and it hit me in the middle of nowhere, knocked me over and left me confused and dazed. And when I found out I coulnd't have the one I loved, it was like being kicked in the guts.
It's so confusing though. The world world of liking people, and dealing with rejection, and knowing what to do when you feel more than usual for a particular person. And it's so ironic when things work out exactly the way you want them to...but you realize...it wasn't really what you wanted and it wasn't what you made it out to be.
Even moreso confusing is...when you feel something for a person, but you don't know if you should hold back whether its out of fear of rejection, or fear of the wrong things happening...but you realize at one point that you have REAL feelings for that person. Ugh...Love and that whole world- its truly not what its made out to be. (I'll write more later)

"HERO"

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord Knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you..

This is a song by Mariah Carey- called "HERO". Right now its my favorite song, because for some reason...I'm having a hard time- and when I hear this...I get a feeling of hope and reassurance. And even though I'm going to bed at an okay time, I'm still really tired. All day at school today, people kept asking me if I was okay, and of course I told them things WERE okay- but the truth is...I don't even know anymore. I am happy- but at the same time, I'm very unhappy. I really don't know what to do about it. I don't know who to talk to about it...or anything. Ah. Why does life have to suck so bad? I feel like I'm growing up too fast, and I feel like my every move is so secretive and crucial that I'm not enjoying life. All of this is on the inside- I do my best to make things seem peachy on the outside, but the truth is, its not. How do I make it so that I FEEL like life is peachy? I want things to change- I want to be HAPPY- for real. I'm searching- for that hero inside of me, looking for the strength that lies deep inside me.

disbelief

I'm sitting here, in the dark, and I can hardly believe it. 25 more days of school. It seems like just yesterday...I was walking into the gym only to be greeted with hundreds of kids...and I knew none of them. It was the scariest thing I have ever done. I walked into my first period class- History, and as I sat down, I could feel the stares piercing my back. Never have I felt so inferior, so naked. And as I went to the rest of my classes throughout the day, that feeling never ceased. When I saw my friend at the end of the day, I thought I'd never feel so grateful again, to finally see a familiar face.
I went home and lied through my smile to my parents about how great school was and how I already loved it at my new school so much. All I really wanted to do was just cry, I missed all my friends and the comfort of knowing everyone. However, I kept going to school each day, and with each day, the happier I became. After about a quarter, I was beginning to feel as if I belonged...like I fit in. That was the first time I had ever truly fit in at any school in my entire life. Basketball started, and I got more recognition for being an athlete and by the season's end, I had become much more outgoing. Life at school was enjoyable, and I was getting to know more and more people with each day.
The best part of the year came with my decision to run for student body recording secretary. It was by far, the bravest thing I'd ever decided to do. Sure I was outgoing, but not that outgoing. But, over a period of several weeks, I noticed I was becoming less fearful of talking to new people and I got to the point where I craved it. Meeting a new person made my day, and becoming friends with them, made it even better. Finally, speech making time came, and I was trembling like I'd been stranded in the heart of Alaska. But...I got up there, made my speech, and it all went smoothly- in fact, better than I had expected. To make a long story short, the speech was a success as was the election. I won, and now the year is coming to an end. Next year I will be busy, but it'll be a blast because I'll be able to meet more people and work with more people.
So much happened throughout the year, but it was worth it. Transferring schools, although seemed like a bad decision at first, ended up being the best decision of my life. I couldn't be happier. I'm so sad that school's getting out- no more wandering the halls during study hall making friends laugh at me as I walk by their classes, no more playfully pushing people around between classes, no more running around at lunch being hyper and talking to random people. But, next year awaits, and a crazy year it'll be. :-)