Summer Trip Journal...#1

June 27th, 2:34 PM

So we're driving to Salt Lake City right now, its been so nice to not have someone pestering me all the time to do this or do that or whatever. Since the whole drive, I've been "sleeping"/reading and listening to music- I've also been thinking alot. Sometimes I find myself questioning myself. "Am I really that down..??" I don't want people telling me its bull or that I'm using it solely as an excuse (as a friend told me yesterday)..but ..i dunno. Earlier we stopped at a gas station and in the car I was feeling way down..it didn't help that we'd driven RIGHT by a place (in Bliss) that my family would always meet my grandpa and late grandma at alot, but as soon as we stopped the car and got out- an instant happy face was put up. Its like its a reflex..something that was an automatic instinct by nautre. I was smiling and cracking jokes and all...but I felt like a clown-- so fake. Upon getting back in the car, no longer was that smile on my face anymore..and if I get too deep into thought, I can just feel the tears welling up..and all this time theres this never-ending knot in the pit of my stomach..like theres something wrong or like something bad is gonna happen..and I hate it. The other day, a day more worse than most, my mom came home only to yell at me even after I had done everything she'd asked. I finally got sick of it and went outside to shoot hoops. First I just sat and admired the weather around me. The clouds were grey and black...the wind was becoming stronger and stronger by the minute, it was causing the trees to sway, and I could just sense the rain was coming. So depressing, yet I felt so at home..it was like I had pulled all that i felt inside and thrown it into the environment around me. I finally starting shooting around...the wind began picking up..a small pile of leaves in my driveway began to form a small whirlwind tunnel. I began shooting...and even as it started to rain I continued. The harder it rained, my shooting intensified..and I continued this until the rain became too heavy for me to see the basket very well..so I went inside. Even thought I was wet and dirty..my mom offered no conversation so I went into the solitude of my room, stuffed my face in my pillow and just cried. I HATE it becaues I have such a good life..it doesn't even out when put against the emptiness i feel in my stomach-- I can FEEL it..and it makes me feel so alone- even when I'm really not. (2nd entry is coming up next..)