Perfect Place

This weekend coming home from a basketball tournament...we stopped at this canyon type thing. And god..it was so beautiful...The canyon walls were a variety of colors etched into the rock that contain millions of years of history...which is more than anyone can imagine. And the sun was still out bright and shining..shining off the walls ...and deep within was a pool that seemed so pure in comparision to all that was around it. Going over the canyon was a tall, narrow bridge..that was exactly 90 feet tall...almost as tall as the trade towers that perished on 9/11. A semi had been blown over the edge of the bridge during a severe windstorm just several years earlier...sets of tires and shiny pieces of metal could be seen clear down within the bushes and rocks below. It just seemed so wierd..how a place so beautful and serene...could have so much death and sorrow mixed in with it. It was the perfect place. There was a fence so that people couldn't fall or anything...but...I walked along the fence to the end...and there was a place where you could get down to the edge a fence was originally there, but it had been bent over..so you could easily step over it...if you did, there no barrier between the yourself and the edge...and god..it was the perfect place. All I had to do was take 2 steps and...boom. It would all end. It would have been so easy. Why didn't I do it? I've asked myself the same thing. I don't think I have the guts to...or at least..thank god..I didn't have the guts to at that given moment. With my mom and dad and one of my best friends in clear view...I couldn't bring myself to even imagine how it would be for them to have to watch me fall to my own death. I've considered this option so many times..I won't lie...and the only thing that has stopped me...is...the few people in my life with enough consideration to sit down and listen. However..if half the people I talk to and confide in knew about this aspect of me..I think they'd turn me in. They'd say I was a danger to myself and tell my parents about it. Telling them is bullshit. They couldn't help me work thru this. If they knew I think they'd try to tell me I was fine..or that I was using it to get attention or sympathy..but jesus..if only that really was why I was doing this..it would make things so much easier. What would help is if I could use my sister as sometime to talk to..but i'm afraid if I do she'll freak out yet again..and will do the silent treatment again. What would help me is if I could just sit down with my parents and explain to them that my sexual preference was other than what they wanted it to be..and that it didn't change who i was or who I'd been to them all these years. What would help is if I didn't have to hide under this mask constantly for 24 hours of the day, seven days of the week...if I could just go meet more people like me without worrying about who sees me or hears about me. Obviously that's not gonna happen anytime soon..so I guess...I guess...I don't know.

"Never deprive someone of hope-- it may be all they have..." -unknown